It's the night before we open, and me and Benny and Dietz and Dave are sitting around looking at a wall full of unopened bottles. Mike's flipping me shit about how I still need to go out and buy more bar glasses before we open, and he says something about how we only have two martini glasses and I lose it.
"Know what? I fucking hate a martini glass! They're fucking bullshit! You can't stack 'em and they're fucking weak!" I take one of the two remaining martini glasses and throw it across the room. It misses Dietz's face by a couple inches. "You know what? I'm getting rid of them. Someone asks for a martini? You give it to 'em. You serve it up in a bucket, and you tell 'em, 'Here's your drink. You're gonna get it in a bucket and you're gonna like it. We hate martini glasses here. This is fucking Slabtown. We don't do that shit here.'" And we take the last of the glasses and serve it up to Dietz baseball style so he can hit it with a chair.
It's literally two minutes after opening on our first day when someone orders a lemon drop. Jodi and Damon are working behind the bar, and just look at me. I go off.
"Lemon drop? I fucking love a lemon drop! But you know what? We don't have any martini glasses here. You know why? Because I hate a fucking martini glass! I took 'em and smashed 'em. Threw 'em across the room and almost hit my bartender in the face. This is fucking Slabtown. We don't do that shit here. You'll get your lemon drop in a bucket, and you'll like it."
She's looking at me like I'm one part idiot and one part psycho, but her boyfriend thinks this is this best thing he's ever heard.
"That's awesome. It's a fucking bucketini! I'm yelping that shit right now!" He's got his phone out, but he never yelped it. I checked.
A couple days later, Godfather Mike catches me eyeing the wine glasses the same way I used to look at the martini glasses. He manages to convince me--for the moment--that the wine glasses are useful and necessary, but I don't know. In my heart of hearts, I don't like them.
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